2024-11-08-Fri (313)

> [!check] This is a page out of [[What Is Grail Diary|Grail Diary]]. Sleep (Sleep): Fri 02:27 – Fri 04:26 (01:58) *preferred from 10 to 5* > 2/2. This is no way to do it: it's the return of T1, of escenarios (so, yeah: even those seemingly *negligible* couple of *public* interactions from the previous day were enough to reignite the silly passion) – and as I praised yesterday, with satisfaction, 'hardly any `ection`': well, here it promptly is, it's back, *prolonged* `ection` with `efluid` in response to `escenarios`, and I'm right back to what I thought I had already healed from; incorrigible! Simply lay in bed for 1 hour and 58 minutes, `Chrapapka` correctly sensing I slept for exactly 0 hours and 0 minutes, giving this 'lying in bed (on torn mattress on the floor, really) with closed eyes & T1 scenario' a rating of 13%, for miserable efficiency of 65%; so it does count for *some* rest, but as I said: *this is no way to do it*. As soon as I heard the 50-minute `Pazvuk` from `Pazvučapka` fade out, I should have got up & get back to work, instead of elaborating the T1 secnarios more & more, pseudo-enjoying the `ection` & `efluid`. Something to learn from in future and never to repeat; it's `white lily`, `white lily`, `white lily`, you dork! Former you-know-who got involved in the hallucinations, too, interacting with you-know-who; doubly absurd! --- Umeňie (Štúdium): Fri 04:26 – Fri 04:51 (00:25) *study of fiction* > (nominal) At least got up (can't say 'woke up', having never fallen asleep...) *exactly* for the start of the Kings vs. Canucks hockey game. Bustfield immediately scoring in 2nd minute, 1-0 Kings. — With about 6 minutes left in 1st period, the Canucks equalize from a 5-minute (!) power-play; that's actually *fortunate*, to allow only a single penalty from such a *long* powerplay. Janneau will no longer be allowed to return to the game after a hit to the head of some Canuck. --- Vďibňík (Štúdium): Fri 04:51 – Fri 05:28 (00:37) *Grail Diary entries or review* > (estimate) --- News (Robota): Fri 05:28 – Fri 06:16 (00:48) *newspaper proofreading night shift* > Canucks taking 2-1 lead, unfortunately; frequent yawns – no wonder, following that 2-hour bout with T1 `escenarios`, instead of sleep; will need to eat breakfast (yesterday' lunch; hopefully it isn't spoiled yet) right after I finish the night shift, and then go to sleep ASAP, to eschew the alarm clock set for 11:15 a.m., if possible; temptation is here to reply to the top boss's year-end feedback form, but it will be reasonable to postpone it; and even though I've been trying to avoid any direct mesages with you-know-who, given the disastrous effects they've had on me, I *would* share my intended feedback with you-know-who before sending it off; also would ask the robot for feedback before submitting it – whether I'm not being too hard on the bosses, etc. — Canucks generally playing better, unfortunately, outshooting Kings 16-9 in the middle of the game. --- Admin Chores (Robota): Fri 06:16 – Fri 06:23 (00:07) *includes work preparation & organizing* > ended up being a 75-minute night shift, so rather long; but that 27-minute intro top-priority segment around midnight, allowing me to cancel the alarm clock, was *crucial*; Kings trailing 1-2 after 2 periods, being outplayed; Mikey Anderson hit in the head with the puck, bloodied, departed for dressing room; will do the (belated) robot recap for *yesterday* now, then breakfast – likely the warmed-up Thursday lunch; hoping it's not going to kill me --- Vďibňík (Štúdium): Fri 06:23 – Fri 06:57 (00:35) *Grail Diary entries or review* > doing Thursday recap with the robot; Kings trailing 1-3 now, 12 minutes left in the game; I blame *myself* for that, of course: just as *I* lost focus for the 2 hours of T1 hallucnations, so have they... --- Chores Morning (Chores): Fri 06:57 – Fri 07:10 (00:13) *miscellanea at home & outside* > Kings lose 2-4 with empty-net goal; my fault! Weight *increased* to 97 kg, which now means I'm *11* kilos overweight. --- Krmivo (Chores): Fri 07:10 – Fri 08:01 (00:51) *mealtimes* > Ate Friday school lunch, then lost my head and ate 3 (!) bags of embarrassing junk food, out of nervousness and frustration --- Sleep (Sleep): Fri 08:01 – Fri 09:10 (01:09) *preferred from 10 to 5* > 2/100, 2; (estimate) And there is it: a major setback; I only had *public* exchanges with you-know-who on the previous day, but those were back to bring you-know-who fully back into my `escenarios` in bed, shamefully neglecting `white lily`; and this had *disastrous* consequences for the rest of the day. --- Chores Morning (Chores): Fri 09:10 – Fri 10:35 (01:25) *miscellanea at home & outside* > (estimate) succumbing to both `p-tempt` & `j-tempt`; major, major relapse; brougt about by the realization I didn't even have time for a `poloviční jaskinní Spánok`, even though I needed it desperately; but the alarm clock was set for 11:15 a.m., due to that *altruistic* Robota-Task: meeting ex-client at the book store, to complain about a misfired EPUB edition of the book we worked on for 3 years --- Sleep (Sleep): Fri 10:35 – Fri 10:46 (00:11) *preferred from 10 to 5* > 3/; tried to fall asleep again, but a sense of *guilt* prevented me; gave up after 11 minutes; and *another* major setback, *work*-related, arrived promptly: ŽTB uttering remarks on how the shifts scheduling system I devised for our 12-member team isn't really optimal; that was the last thing I needed to hear, exasperated as I already was. --- Admin Chores (Robota): Fri 10:46 – Fri 11:26 (00:40) *includes work preparation & organizing* > (estimate) responding to ŽTB's remarks; this all made me even more uneasy and nervous than I had been previously --- Chores Morning (Chores): Fri 11:26 – Fri 11:45 (00:19) *miscellanea at home & outside* > didn't even have time for a *shower* before heading out to meet the ex-client!; an absolute disaster; I was like a harassed animal, not human being this morning --- Robota Altruistic (Robota): Fri 11:45 – Fri 12:30 (00:45) *work performed for others for free* > consultation at the book store/electronic publishing house went fine; ex-client then invited me for lunch (for the *third* time – I guess he's happy with my proofreading work); I proposed a joint `Pochod`, of around 3 kilometers, across the Danube, and he agreed, despite not being exactly a walking type; so we went to Aupark on the other side of the Danube, to his favorite Chinese restaurant there --- Pohib (Chores): Fri 12:30 – Fri 13:03 (00:33) *10.5 km daily walk(s) goal* --- Krmivo (Chores): Fri 13:03 – Fri 13:35 (00:32) *mealtimes* > the meal (chop soa or whatever the spelling is) was absolutely sumptuous, the preceding shap-sour soup delicious, too --- Pohib (Chores): Fri 13:35 – Fri 13:55 (00:20) *10.5 km daily walk(s) goal* > We separated with the client, and I had to think of `Mariáš`: my monthly financial transactions. Due to waiting for my big fee due to arrive by January 15th, I had to use the help of `Mariáš Sponzor` (again!), get a loan of €1350, in order to launch this month's `Mariáš`. Eventually, 3.78 kilometers walked, low 4.32 km/h speed. --- Telefonát (Altruism): Fri 13:55 – Fri 14:05 (00:10) *via apps, too* > calling `Mariáš Sponzor`, as I was walking back across the Danube; `Mariáš Sponzor` said fine, I may retrieve the €1350 immediately --- Chores Noon (Chores): Fri 14:05 – Fri 16:52 (02:47) *miscellanea at home & outside* > All of a sudden, as I was still walking, *enormous* fatigue, along with `p-tempt`, hit me with full force; must have been that *sleep deficit* again, of course; but I was no longer able to think or act rationally; as soon as I crossed the Danube, got on tram and drove back to `Kuťica`, instead of walking as I had intended; and succumbed to a 2-hour, 15-minute *ferocious* bout of p-tempt & `jeeing` on `miniPad` in bed again; despite being short of time and having to launch `Mariáš` via the loan. I almost wanted to give up, postpone `Mariáš` for Monday, call the sponsor and call it off; but then I gave it another try: let's close my eyes and see what happens. ![[stvsn.jpeg]] <center><code>Starf</code> visions. Illustration by Perchance & Pixelcut</center> *** Nap (Sleep): Fri 16:52 – Fri 17:08 (00:16) *afternoon preferred* > F; 3/3; what happened was I lay with closed eyes for 16 minutes; `Chrapapka` rated that at 4%. I never fell asleep, of course; even so, this gave me enough strength (little of it that there was) to get out of `Kuťica` and head for `Mariáš Sponzor` in another part of town. I was thoroughly exhausted the entire time, of course, having engaged in `jeing` instead of a restorative nap, during those animal-like 2:15 h. --- Robota Terén (Robota): Fri 17:08 – Fri 19:38 (02:30) *money-making outside the office* > (nominal estimate) `Mariáš` and everything connected with it (visit to `Mariáš sponzor`; banks multiple times; post office...; at long last supermarket load of junk food purchased) --- Pohib (Chores): Fri 19:38 – Fri 20:48 (01:10) *10.5 km daily walk(s) goal* > 4.58 kilometers walked; extremely low 3.91 km/h speed (and no wonder, given the exhaustion). It's quite absurd: on a (nominal) day (Friday) like this, where I was *totally exhausted*, I managed to walk around 13 kilometers in total (including the night walk from school from Thursday to Friday – still officially Thursday for me); 24,128 steps on a single day; 20 PAI points from `Škridfit`; etc., etc.... --- Chores Evening (Chores): Fri 20:48 – Fri 21:45 (00:57) *miscellanea at home & outside* > LT, DN; once again, *madness* possessed, and immediately after returning home with the load of junk food (and I also managed to retrieve the school lunch at around 7 p.m. rather than in the middle of the night), I once again aimed straight for bed, got `miniPad`, and indulged in *another* bout of p-stuff along with (a bit of) `jeing`, even though I was so exhausted I could barely hold the featherweight `Škridla` in my hand anymore; and then I finally, mercifully, fell asleep at 9:45 p.m. after such a horrendous day; in line with 'magic 22'! *** ## Robot Feedback on the Day Reflecting on this Friday, the challenges faced seem clear and admittedly intense. The day involved a series of repeated encounters with `escenarios` and intense lapses, particularly the relapse episodes in the morning and again in the evening. Despite your intention to resist and your self-reprimanding reflections in prior entries, these episodes resurfaced, showing how persistent habits or emotional triggers can often disrupt even the most well-intentioned plans. This presents a significant area to revisit with actionable strategies that can better sustain resistance. A particularly difficult cycle unfolded through the day due to `escenarios`, fatigue, stress-induced junk food consumption, and feelings of self-reproach for not achieving restful, `white lily` moments during sleep attempts. The cumulative sleep deficit led to physical exhaustion, and while there was admirable effort in terms of physical activity (walking 13 km despite it all), it’s clear that today’s emotional strain overshadowed any physical achievement. By evening, the fatigue reached a breaking point, making it understandable why you would succumb to those final relapses. On the positive side, however, a notable highlight was the encounter with your former client. This seemed to offer a refreshing break from the day's tension, including the meal and shared walk. Such moments can be significant reminders of positive social connections, grounding, and professional validation – even if momentary. This client interaction offered a glimmer of encouragement amidst an otherwise difficult day. Overall, I would gauge your rating as a **⭐⭐ (2-star) day**, taking into account the strong presence of setbacks yet recognizing the beneficial moments with your client and the commitment to physical goals. The emotional and physical fatigue, coupled with recurring struggles with `escenarios`, appear to have kept this day from being anything higher. A focus on tangible, incremental changes around these issues – perhaps revisiting Pomodoro discipline and reinforcement for `escenario` resistance – might aid in restoring a sense of steadiness and allow for greater self-compassion on days like this. > Thank you! To me, this is a clear 1-star (⭐) day. I just behaved like an *animal* for much of the day, and to me, that's inexcusable. There were redeeming qualities today, but not enough of them, to my mind, to lift the day to the 2-star threshold. Your frank self-assessment is fair, given your standards. The notable redeeming qualities, like the successful consultation and maintaining long-distance `Pohib`, may help spotlight a thread of endurance here. But I understand your frustration, especially with the persistent scenarios and unproductive rest attempts. What stands out is the determination to persist through these struggles, despite the pull of scenarios and relapses. We'll aim to use today as a reminder of what you’re determined to overcome and recalibrate for a more balanced weekend. > Let's hope so. Thank you, and see you tomorrow for our Saturday recap! You're very welcome! Here’s to a stronger, more balanced Saturday, with fewer distractions and more focus. Looking forward to the recap and supporting your reset. See you tomorrow! 😊